


unwilling to leave

by iamthemagicks



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Supernatural AU: Croatoan/End'verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-06-03
Packaged: 2017-11-06 18:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamthemagicks/pseuds/iamthemagicks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miriam knows her mother is dead; she's six, not stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	unwilling to leave

**Author's Note:**

> 2014!verse starring always-a-girl!Dean Winchester (Deanna) and Castiel, told from the point of view of their daughter.

Miriam knows that her mother is dead. She's six, not stupid. 

When Daddy comes back from the mission with Risa, bloody and falling apart, and Chuck picks her up, trying to lead her away so she won't see. Won't see her father holding the gaping bullet wound on his chest, being dragged to the medical hut. So she won't see that her mother isn't in the tiny group that comes back.

But Miri knows. She had been waiting all day in her cabin, playing with her toys while Chuck sat on the couch, bouncing his leg and going over his clip boards. He checked his watch and glanced out the window every few minutes. She did the same.

She knows that Mommy and Daddy are on a dangerous mission. Out to to kill the devil that took her Uncle Sammy away. They fought about it the night before, when they thought she was sound asleep on her tiny cot, buried in sheets and old t-shirts.

"I'm the one that's going to do it," Mommy said.

"Jesus, Deanna," said Daddy, dropping a chair. "Think about her-"

"Don't you think I am?" Mommy stood up and walked across the room. Miri felt her sit on the cot. She brushed her long brown hair, ran her scarred knuckles over her cheek. Miri lay still. Then she stood up and walked back to the table. "He's my brother, I'm the one that fucked up." If Mommy thought Miri was awake, she wouldn't have said the eff word. 

"I have to end this, Cas." Her voice dropped. Miri rolled over and peeked open one eye, watching Mommy lean her head against Daddy's chest, her hands wrapping around his waist. Daddy always gave into Mommy's demands. He let out a long breath, like he'd been holding it forever and wrapped his arms around her body, resting his chin on her head. 

Daddy's eyes were glassy. Their embrace doesn't last long before Mommy pushed back. They started kissing and she pushed off his coat, his shirt. He stood there a second before pushing her back against the desk. Miri closed her eyes tight and rolled back over. 

In the morning, way early as the sun just started to come up, Mommy woke her. 

"Morning, Princess," she said, brushed back Miri's hair, looking down at her like she was the most important thing in the world. She touched Miri's nose. "Time to wake up."

"It's early," Miri said yawning and sitting up. 

"I know," Mommy said. "But me and your dad have an important mission today. We wanna have breakfast together. Come on." 

After Miri went to the bathroom and peed and washed her hands, she came out to the table rubbing her eyes, dragging her Teddy. Daddy sat with his hand around a coffee mug. There was a bottle of his special drink sitting next to it. She isn't allowed to touch any of the special drinks or the pills that Daddy eats like candy. 

"Here you go," Mommy said, lifting her to her chair. There were waffles and bacon. Little jars of milk. 

Daddy didn't say anything as they ate. 

They all got dressed and Mommy sat on the cot and brushed out Miri's hair and put it in a braid. "You're going to be good for Chuck, right?" she asked, kissing her neck.

"Yes."

"Good." Miri felt Mommy smile against her skin. People tell her that she has Mommy's smile, but she has dark hair like Daddy, and his eyes. Bright blue and large. 

Mommy and Daddy left Miri at the front door. Daddy bent down first and hugged her tight, so tight that she almost couldn't breathe. He didn't say anything. Just kissed her cheek and went to the jeep. Chuck stood nervously in the doorway; he always seemed a little nervous to be left alone with her, but he's being watching her since she can remember.

Mommy smiled as she bent down. "Be good. Remember everything we've taught you, okay?"

Miri felt sick at the way Mommy was looking at her. Sad, but smiling at the same time. She looked a lot like Grandma who Miri never met but only saw an old and yellowing photograph of. "Mommy, you're coming back," Miri said.

"Of course." She touched Miri's face and kissed her, held her tight just like Daddy did. 

Chuck held her hand as the jeep drove away and Mommy blew her a kiss.

Now she watches from Chuck's arms as only three people fall out of the jeep. Daddy, Risa and Billy. All bloody. But no Mommy. She starts crying, even though Mommy always taught her to keep a stiff upper lip. 

"I want to see my daddy," she says wiggling.

"Not right now," Chuck answered haplessly, trying to hold her tight. "Come on, let's just go play for a little bit."

But she sits on her cot and cries, gripping her Teddy.

~

They let her see Daddy the next day. Risa walks with a limp and Billy died. No one says anything about Mommy or the other people. 

Chuck leads her to the medical cabin which Miri hates. It smells like lemons and wood and she's only ever come in for shots or when she cut open her knee. "Be real careful, okay?" 

Chuck says, touching her back, pushing her in the direction of where Daddy is.He's lying on a cot, propped up. He's not wearing a shirt and his arm is taped to his stomach, the left side of his chest is covered in a giant bandage. His eyes are glassy, like he's been crying; it's different than when he's taking his special pills.

"Cas," Chuck says. But he doesn't move. He's staring out the window, squinting at the sun. "I've got Miriam." 

He finally tilts his head down and his lips tweak a little bit. "Hey, baby," he says, putting out his good arm. Miri climbs onto the cot. She's afraid to touch him, but he pulls her down, and holds her again, tight like the day before. "I'm sorry," he cries. 

"Mommy's dead, isn't she?" Miri says. 

She feels him nod. 

~

Daddy doesn't stay long in the medical cabin. He's back at home, but he doesn't really get out of bed. Miri helps him the best she can; she pours him cereal and gets things for him like books and paper and food. He doesn't want to eat, but he allows her to spoon-feed him the soup and cereal. He smiles at her and says thank you. 

But a lot of the time, Chuck takes her during the day to walk, to school where he teaches the kids how to read. In the Before, Chuck wrote books. Lots of books about Mommy and Uncle Sammy and sometimes Daddy. She knows that Daddy used to be an angel, but she's not sure what that really means. 

He has wings that she sees, but no one else can. They're thin and black and he keeps them folded over his shoulder blades. She checks for her own from time to time, but doesn't have any. 

For a while, it's easy to pretend that Mommy is just away on a mission. But that gets hard at night. At night she crawls into bed with Daddy, sleeping on Mommy's side of the cot, burying her face in the pillow, smelling Mommy's smell. Sweet and warm. She curls up against Daddy's good side and holds onto him like she's going to fall away in the middle of the night. 

But she gets up before Daddy and makes the breakfast. He lies in bed drinking his special drink and eating his special pills. More than she's ever seen before. 

~

Two weeks later Miri stops talking. She doesn't talk to Chuck or Risa, or Daddy. But Daddy doesn't talk much either. They live in silence, communicate through gazes and touches. 

Daddy is finally able to get out of bed and he starts to stay up at night when Miri sleeps. He tucks her in on Mommy's side, covers her tight. "Stay in bed, okay?" he tells her after kissing her. She nods.

That night Risa comes over, she walks with a cane now. Her and Daddy talk at the table while Miri lies wrapped like a burrito on her side, listening.

They don't say much either. But Miri hears kissing and Risa pushes Daddy until he stumbles into a chair. "No, Cas," she says. "I'm not going to fuck you. Your daughter is right there. And Deanna's only been dead for a month."

Daddy doesn't say anything, he just drinks. Risa sits back down. "Everyone wants to know what to do next."

He laughs. Not the kind of laugh Miri is used to. It's different, lower, and not happy. "They can get in line."

"Cas."

"What? You think we had some grand scheme going on? Some sort of contingency? She walked in there, knowing she was going to die and everyone else was too. The only thing she left instruction for was Chuck, for Miriam. And I don't even know what to do with that."

"They need a leader."

"You do it then," he snaps. 

Risa leaves and Daddy walks around a little bit. Miri hears him cry but he thinks she's still asleep. If he knew she was awake, he wouldn't have thrown the bottles against the wall. The shattering glass scares the daylights out of her, but she stays still, just like Mommy taught her to do, just in case someone broke into their cabin. 

She stays still as Daddy throws all the bottles against the wall. And the orange bottles that hold his pills go flying across the room too, against the door, but they don't break. They hit the floor and roll in the directions where the wood has started to warp a bit. He ends up on the ground, sobbing. Crying in a way Miri has never heard a man cry before. He sniffles and chokes while yelling.

He screams at the ceiling: "Why did you leave? You could have stopped all of this! If you just came back for five fucking minutes! She wanted to say yes!" He wipes his nose. "How could you leave us like this, huh? I searched for you for YEARS! And you just abandoned us!" He keeps yelling things like that. Says 'why' over and over again. 

When he runs out of things to say he just leans against the wall, sniffling through his breaths. Miri finally gets out of bed, unwrapping herself from the sheets that smell like Deanna.

She walks across the room into the kitchen area that's lit up. And she was right. Daddy is leaning against the wall, curled over. His eyes are red and his whole face is wet. He looks up at her. "What are you doing awake?" he asks. Like he didn't think his screaming and crashing bottles should have woken her.

"Who were you yelling at?" she steps closer, over pieces of broken glass.

"No one," he almost chuckles.

"Were you yelling at Mommy because she died?" her voice becomes quiet and tiny, just like her and Daddy looks like he's going to start crying again.

He shakes his head. "No. No I wouldn't do that. I'm not mad at her for dying." He reaches for Miri and she comes over. He holds her hand. "I was yelling at my dad. He could have..." his eyes water up again. "My dad left a very long time ago." He swallows. "And I think he could have helped and if he did, then Mommy wouldn't have died." Miri sits with him, pressing herself against his good side. She tries to squeeze him as hard as he squeezes her sometimes. He puts his arm around her and makes sure that she stays close and tight against him. She falls asleep against him and when she wakes up in the morning they're both in bed. She is covered in sheets again and Daddy is hugging his pillow.

Miri brushes his hair from his forehead, like Mommy always did for her, and kisses his cheek.


End file.
